I’m 38 years old, left the UK on 25th June after leaving my career and embarking on my lifetime dream of travelling the world
I have the best husband, I’m healthy, I’m happy, I’m loved, I’m financially stable, I’ve succeeded in life and yet... smack - I had a nervous break down 5 weeks in to our adventure of a life time
It started with a panic attack which led to another, and another. I was Googling all my systems, all day, every day, I convinced myself I was seriously ill, and trapped in a foreign country without access to healthcare.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t go outside, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t catch my breath. My heart raced, my palms sweated, my body shook, my jaw trembled, my stomach swelled, my eyes were wild
I was convinced I was going to end up in a mental hospital. Was I ever going to get better? Was I going to die? Could I carry on?
My mind was spiralling, racing at a million miles an hour, I was panicking, then panicking about panicking, I couldn’t make sense of anything, I cried, I despaired, I felt lost, I felt scared, I was terrified, I felt completely out of control, I was so far from reality, my feet couldn’t touch the floor
It was scary, it was so fucking scary
Going out for food or to the supermarket was so stressful... I would sweat, I would shake, I would cry, I would be overwhelmed with fear... I was broken
My mind was broken and the scariest part, it was ultimately down to me to fix it. What if I couldn’t? What if I’m not strong enough? It was like being told you have to perform your own open heart surgery... I just wasn’t capable...
I’m ok... it takes time, it takes patience, it takes love, it takes work, it takes tears, it takes cuddles, it takes peace, it takes calm, it takes understanding and it takes the wisdom of others. It takes for you to trust your ability to heal yourself...
It’s a struggle, its overwhelming, it’s stressful, it’s confusing, it’s an illness, it’s normal, it’s fixable, it’s yours, it’s mine...
We all need to talk about mental health, I’m not alone, you are not alone ♥️