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Let’s talk about Pure-O…

You may be surprised to learn that Pure-O has absolutely nothing to do with sexual pleasure, it’s actually quite the opposite.

The first experience I recall is being sat at the doctors, 24 years old and had just broken down at work. I’d been indulging in recreational drugs for a couple of years and was now at a stage of hyper anxiety. I was having panic attack after panic attack and barely functioning. The confession to the doctor that I didn’t like holding kitchen knives because I would think about (not wanting to I need to add here) stabbing myself or those closest to me. That’s a pretty nuts thing to admit but it was real, it was happening and it scared the shit out of me. I can’t remember what the doctor said in response, I was prescribed beta blockers and was on my way. My journey out of this was long so I’ll tell you about it another time. This piece is purely about obsessive thoughts.

My next memory was driving on the M25 and having a horrendous panic attack whilst at the wheel, after which I avoided motorways as often as I could. It wasn’t the panic attack that freaked me out, it was the constant thought running through my head that at any time I could crash or spin the car and cause myself or others to be fatally wounded. What stops me doing it right at that second? I’m totally responsible for my life and the lives of others driving around me

Sharing another experience is a memory from a trip to Thailand. On Koh Chang there was a garden wall we would walk past every day and notice people peeking over. As curiosity got the better of us we pulled ourselves up and was pretty shocked to see about 30 crocodiles the other side, just chilling in a garden. It turns out that some rich guy had wanted to build him own zoo and after his death a load of exotic creatures were left there. Anyone the whole time we were staying there I kept thinking about jumping over the wall and being eaten by crocs. Not very pleasant! 

The majority of my obsessive thoughts revolve around death, predominantly killing myself by way of causing an accident, jumping off a building or bridge, stabbing myself or jumping into a lions cage at the zoo. I do get some slightly less morbid thoughts, like taking off my wedding ring and throwing it into the sea or standing up in a meeting at work and calling someone a cunt whilst at the same time taking my pants off but each and every one of them can be distressing!

I’ve always been quite open with this subject because it allows others that suffer to understand they are not alone and that this mind OCD is actually pretty common. Other people might have extremely violent thoughts or sexual thoughts that they have no control over and that must be even more distressing. Some have constant thoughts about their family members dying or constantly seeing awful scenarios playing out in their minds and this is normal too.

Please don’t be ashamed if you experience a similar thing, help is available and often just by knowing it is your mind and not YOU definitely helps!

There is a website I found called https://www.intrusivethoughts.org which will help. Here is a snippet:

4 out of 5 people experience intrusive thoughts

Even thoughts about harming themselves or the people they love

But for 1 in 50 these thoughts become harder to dismiss

So they compulsively try to make them stop

These thoughts repeat over and over, faster and faster, making the fear we might act more real. For us, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts are a constant struggle. To cope we might form weird habits, withdraw from friends or avoid certain situations

Be kind to yourself

Love H x